“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.