@jergarl: Pay attention to your kids... Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.
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@thepunningman: Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time
@LeannaZaiden: This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.
@nyquills: Sherlock: You're a drinker, whiskey's your poison but mum doesn't approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it's too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy. Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say "Have a nice day."