Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.