The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.