“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans