@ImaFlyontheWall: pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
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@AverageCorners: 11: Did it rain last night? Me: No. 11: But it's so wet! Me: That's what she said. 11: What? Me: What?
@iamspacegirl: Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain. Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too. And maybe the me: dude, that's my mom's cassero- C: Spain.
@jenhasgreathair: Sometimes I worry that maybe I'll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
@existentialpink: yesterday my mom stopped to help a stranded motorist who couldn’t get his car to accelerate, and kindly informed him that he needed to stop trying to rev the engine, as it was flooding his fuel line with gas. he told her didn’t need a lady’s opinion. anyway his car caught fire