[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
You Might Also Like
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”