“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I can’t deal with men any longer
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door