Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Is this a threat?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping