*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.