If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
You Might Also Like
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
estão todos miauvindo?
Happy Taco Tuesday
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Ah yes. The three genders
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.