*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself