Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.