Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.