Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.