Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne