Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?