[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Cat is stressing him out.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.