[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Breaking news:
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪