*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
im all 3
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice