[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
love it when they get my name right
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi