Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
😂😂
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
LMAO
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F