Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean