Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
*puts my mental health in rice
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.