Pee pressure > peer pressure
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Somebody’s lying.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?