Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Very good news from my accountant
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen