Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I was up all night reading about insomnia
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.