*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
new shirt idea
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite