*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.