@findmydolls: *peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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@RidiculousSheri: I can't afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I'm wearing them.
@XplodingUnicorn: 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That’s how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
@DanMentos: “Hello, 911” Help I’m being murdered! “Can you put the murderer on please” what “Gotta hear both sides"
@TheTimmyToes: *thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*