*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards