*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.