Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You Might Also Like
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Plant care tips
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors