Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.