I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo