“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Good dog. ❤️
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea