“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
synchronized noseblowing
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too