[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]