[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.