Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I see your IQ test came back negative
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.