Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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Camping tip: No.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Sticker placement is key.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there