PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.