People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
❤️❤️❤️
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.