@Tmoney68: People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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@YesThatAmy: This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird