People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?