People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
there’s probably a fee though
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Check out the legs on this baby