@_sleepysmile: People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.
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@WilliamAder: In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
@JordyHamrick: Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
@_SingleBabyMama: After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said "I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work."