One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.