I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
dream blunt rotation
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry