I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Cat is stressing him out.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.