@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
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@MissNaughty1801: Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage Me: for the last 7 years
@mirandaasantos: throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn't get the memo..
@galiamango: I'm pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
@TitansHomer: MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have now can't play any instruments.