@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
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@causticbob: I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
@CrackYouWhip: Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.