@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
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@djdarrellripley: Her: All day long I've had the strangest feeling that someone's ..... watching me. Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
@aprilmaywilson: Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.
@HeyHosey: Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs w[ESC]
@iwearaonesie: [laying in bed] wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up? me: Yes *sound of TV crashing to the floor* me: No