People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*