ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?