[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
You Might Also Like
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
🤣🤣🤣