@JessObsess: People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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@Beesthegame: "Can someone call me a doctor?!" You're a doctor. "Please I'm losing my patience!" You're a terrible doctor.
@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
@RocketRankoon: You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.
@jdforshort: [updating CW's iPhone] M: You need more gigs CW: I don't need no gigs I got a job Having a smart phone doesn't make you smart.