@JessObsess: People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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@sixfootcandy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What's up?
@ruinedpicnic: [catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".