People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Wait for it
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late